Kids Say the Darnedest Things (Well, This One Does)

2008 has been a noisy year in general, not least because Cieran is now talking in sentences, long and short, all day long, and often for a good chunk of the night, too. It's not just that Cieran talks or even that he talks a lot, it's more that he likes to provide a continuous commentary on his life and the lives of those around him. Cieran could surely have a future as talking head on televison if he wished. His level of discourse is already at about the right level for a CNN news anchor, and way above that needed to host a morning show.

Cieran's razor sharp wit would do many a talk show host proud, while his perfect sense of comic timing could teach some comedians a thing or two. Somehow, one feels that his talents would be wasted on such a mediocre career. However, for posterity, I'd like to share with you a few of Cieran's recent observations on the world at large, his parents in particular, and the failings of all of the above. The following quotes come straight from the horse's (toddler's) mouth and were
recorded verbatim by his trusty scribes and attendants.

Cieran is not one to hide his emotions from the world. When he's happy or sad, excited or frustrated, he wants everyone to know, just in case they can help or join in. ``Oh man, that's pretty cool,'' he will say when something mildly interesting happens. ``That would be excellent!'' or ``I can't believe it!'' are the next level up, when something quite exciting is in the offing.

And what does Cieran do when he gets really enthusiastic? Well, in that case there is nothing for it but to clamber up on the furniture, hurl himself into the air and yell ``California and beyond!'' in the voice of Buzz Lightyear.

As befits a two-year old, potty humour is a regular feature of Cieran's conversation, as in ``Mommy, I'm not going to poop on the wall'' (he's such a well behaved boy really), or ``Daddy, why are you pooping in your underwear?'' (I really wasn't, honest). Like intellectuals everywhere, Cieran likes to keep his brain occupied while sitting on the pot. ``I need a good book'' he was heard to say recently while perched on the porcelain throne.

One wonders what kind of reading matter he had in mind. Recently he announced ``It's the perfect book!'' after picking up a huge scientific textbook on meteorites that was almost as big as he is. He subsequently lowered his opinion somewhat when he opened the cover and found the book was decidedly lacking in the picture department.

When it comes to eating and drinking, Cieran is highly particular most of the time. ``Get all of the vegetables out of my rice'' is a typical response to Mommy's stealthy efforts to inject a modicum of healthiness in his diet. ``No, but thanks!'' he is likely to say when offered a less than satisfactory dinner option.

Cieran is somewhat less discerning as long as sugar or chocolate are involved. More or less anything related to candy will do, preferably as a double helping. However, Cieran is kind and generous by nature and always willing to share ``You have a cupcake Daddy, when you grow up?''. Hasn't happened yet. Not likely any time soon, kid.

For some reason, Cieran seems to have acquired a taste or at least a fascination for tea. Perhaps its the Brit in him asserting itself. After a hard day's shopping recently, he announced ``Time to go home and make a nice cup of tea''.

Sometimes, this infatuation can go a little far. For example, Linds, with motherly affection: ``I love you Cieran'' Cieran: ``But I love Chai!'' (as in Chai tea!)

The showman in Cieran regularly bubbles to the surface. ``Ladies and gentlemen. Boys and girls!'' he declared just the other day. ``I'm getting my stepstool. Don't move guys!''

``You'll never find it now!'' He said not long ago, in a perfect imitation of Swiper the dastardly fox from Dora the Explorer.

Sometimes though, he gets just a little bizarre for my taste, or maybe Daddy just doesn't get it. For example, ``I woke up this morning and there was a red cricket in my bed.'' What on Earth?

Actually, that might have been the same day he announced ``I'm really tired'' at 9am when the evidence clearly suggested he was full of beans and just revving up for the day ahead.

Of course, occasionally Cieran just gets hold of the wrong end of the stick. ``I can't wait to go fishing!'' he once said on his way up stairs to help me clean the tropical fish tank. Then again, maybe he was just being practical.

And at times, he gets a little confused. ``Where did the stairs go?'' he said, looking somewhat dazed after walking into the wall and bumping his head.

More often, Cieran is right on the ball, which is more than can be said for his father.
Mommy: ``We made dinner on the stove.''
Daddy: ``Where's the stove, Cieran?''
Cieran: ``In the kitchen, of course!''

In fact, Cieran often has to make up for his parent's deficiencies, and is not shy about being critical when necessary. One example occurred recently during a marathon train-playing session with yours truly. Cieran was growing more and more frustrated with Daddy's ineptitude and his overall failure to get with the programme. Finally, when I picked up a large wooden box and suggested it would make an excellent train station, it was time to set the record straight. ``It's a gas station, actually!'' said Cieran emphatically.

Now I have to say Cieran can be a little bossy at times. Some examples:
``Move your fingers, Daddy'', when Cieran was opening a drawer of his train table.
``Daddy, I'm working on it!'' when it was suggested that perhaps he was moving a little too slowly getting ready one day.
``Daddy, Kepler's bugging me.'' regarding the cat, which is one I can sympathize with.
``You're a little brute!'' also at Kepler's expense.
``Daddy, move your butt!'' when I inadvertently got in the way of his push bike.
And last but not least: ``Daddy, no arsing!'' after Daddy accidentally and inexplicably said `arse' one day.

The flip side is that Cieran is fulsome in his praise on those rare occasions when his parents do something right. As in ``Clever boy, Daddy,'' for fixing his train track, or ``Excellent boy, Daddy,'' with two thumbs up for added emphasis.

And our little boy is always full of helpful suggestions for ways to improve efficiency in the Chambers household. On a recent trip to the grocery store, in the midst of heavy traffic, he very practically suggested ``Next time we need to drive the fire truck''. Not long afterwards, he announced ``Yeah, I want to be a firefighter when I grow up.'' So there may have been an ulterior motive involved in his earlier comment.

Cieran is never terribly patient when it comes to car journeys. ``Are we there yet?'' he asked once, only minutes after leaving the house. Being stuck at home is not always much better. One rainy Saturday afternoon recently, with his face pressed against the window watching rivulets of water trickle down the glass, he announced ``I'm done with home!''

On such dreary days, there's only one way to bring a little cheer to a cold and draughty house. As Cieran once said: ``I'd like a fire. I really do! The log is downstairs.'' As I sit here on a freezing winter's night, with the wind howling outside, I'm inclined to think that's a wonderful suggestion. In fact, I'll get right on it. Excellent boy, Daddy!